Dating, Divorce… and Kids

Sharing your life with someone is incredibly intimate; the vulnerability and trust is scary and comforting at the same time. And dating today is tough on it’s own. Swiping left and right, Facebook stalkers galore and inappropriate DM’s have lessened the importance of a true intimate connection. Texting and Snapchat have replaced courting and romanticism; jealousy now stems from double tapping pics on Instagram and misinterpreted tweets. A real connection doesn’t begin until we figure out who the person is behind the facade they present on social media.

We are justifiably incredibly guarded with our hearts these days… and when we are ready to share our hearts it takes work to break through all the self imposed barriers.

Dating with kids increases the vulnerability ten fold; and the walls we build to protect ourselves are even higher because our babies are tucked underneath our wings. It’s not just about my happiness and fulfillment in a relationship; it’s also how my kids feel, how my children are accepted and treated. Most parents will squash any hopes of love if it compromises the relationship with the children.

After a divorce, your heart is delicate; full of self doubt, wondering if you’ll find real love again. And when you do find someone, what will the kids think? How soon do you introduce them? What will we do for holidays and birthdays, family traditions and activities? What if we are in the same place with the ex?

There are millions of questions and lots of emotions surrounding it all, and I’d like to give you a few thoughts based on my experiences.

Don’t Fill the Void

You’re going to be lonely. You’re going to want intimacy, and closeness, and someone to talk to about your day. You’re going to want the connection you had when your marriage was happy and thriving. You’re going to want someone there with you, and for the kids to support and love them too. It’s a natural feeling and response- but DON’T just fill the void to have someone there. It’s really easy to create a revolving door in your heart and in the kids’ lives if you keep trying to create presence without healing from your pain and growing your own self worth. Filling the void with whoever is convenient at the time will only hurt you more and it will diminish the value of true love in your children’s eyes. Don’t you dare settle. You don’t deserve the scrub from the practice squad- you deserve the star player who just hit the waiver line. Be patient and purposeful in who you choose; your children and your future self thank you for it.

Date Yourself First

So, you feel you’re ready to date again? Awesome. Take yourself out. Go to the nicest restaurant, go see that movie you’ve been wanting to see. Take a walk on the beach solo, watch the sunset as you tell yourself how amazing it is to feel this good again. Buy yourself flowers. Write little love notes to yourself and take that extra time to dress sharp, smell good and be the best you can be. Why? Because you CAN NOT be in any relationship worthwhile if you don’t love and appreciate yourself. And you CAN NOT trust that anyone will bring you the bliss that you so desperately crave for you and your children if you cannot provide it for yourself first. The old cliché is true; you cannot take care of anyone else until you can take care of you. And if you introduce partners to your children before your heart is ready, you are again diminishing what true love is in their eyes. Never expect a relationship with someone new to get you into a better frame of mind and to chip the ice away from your heart. If your heart isn’t healed and you aren’t happy with yourself, you will be doing a disservice to yourself, the person your dating and your children because you aren’t ready.

So take yourself out, and order the dessert too. You deserve it.

Find Your Bliss

As you are focused on building the relationship with yourself and loving the kids with all you’ve got, you’re going to find a new rhythm to your life. You’re going to tap into your strengths, pursue your passions and start uncovering the path that leads to your utmost joy. As your self worth grows, you are going to show the kids that through all the pain and sadness, there is hope and happiness on the other side. The more you heal, the easier it is to connect with others and trust again. You’re going to be so involved in your own life and enjoying the new journey with the kids you aren’t going to care or worry about dating because you’ve created the life you needed on your own.

Then, and only then, your heart will be healed and you will be ready to love again. And if you want it, when you least expect it, your fairy tale will truly begin. Someone is going to walk into your life that is going to be more then you’ve ever dreamed of, and that will love you despite the pain and heartache you’ve been through. They will see through the walls you’ve built, touch you through your scars that remain, and they will love your kids as their own. Don’t settle for less.

Be Vulnerable

When you meet this special someone, you aren’t going to want to open up and show them your scars. You aren’t going to want to talk about the tears, the rejection, the pain. You wouldn’t dare talk about the heartbreak and confusion of your children, and most certainly you won’t want to show the darkness and weakness you may still struggle with as you heal.

But you need to.

Peeling back the layers and trusting this new source of love and light with the most tender parts of your soul is what is going to complete the healing. It’s not easy; it’s messy, and you’ll want to run from it. This new love, if its as real as it appears to be, will hold your hand, wipe your tears, give you a strength you never have understood because they will love you for everything you ARE, not for what you’ve done or gone through. That vulnerability will create a home for your heart in your new love’s entire being, and it will be blissful and natural because it is based in true love.

You have to face the pain and deal with it to be able to let go- and you will- because you deserve it.

Trust Yourself

If these feelings of love are authentic, natural and pure, and you’ve healed enough to trust another with your baggage, trust yourself that you’ve made the right decision. If you question it, you’re telling yourself it’s not good enough. And if you question it, you aren’t showing your children that you deserve to be the happiest you can be, and again devalue what a real relationship is in their eyes.

Trust yourself, and trust your kids to find their bliss in it right along with you! Once the divorce is final and you’ve moved on, most kids aren’t concerned about why Mom and Dad didn’t work- they care if Mom and Dad are HAPPY. When your children see you thriving, and full of love and positivity, they in turn begin to thrive and get full of love and positivity. You are blessed beyond measure to find a new life with an amazing partner that loves you and your children unconditional; what’s not to love about that?!

YOU DESERVE IT.

My love, with my precious angels. I am blessed beyond measure with amazing children, and an amazing woman in my life that loves us all without question.I have found a level of happiness that I never knew existed, and I wrote this blog out of my own personal experience as happy tearsare streaming down my face. Your happiness and bliss are waiting for you and your babies; you all deserve it!

#love #divorce #dating #movingon #healing #loveMORE #beMORE #doMORE

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Dating, Divorce… and Kids

  1. Love this Brian!!!! What a great read. I sat here shaking my head yes, yes, and yes. All very true and experiences I have gone through. So worth the wait…. loving my daughter throughout all life’s experiences has brought me farther than I thought possible. I always joked I’d marry again later in life. Sometimes taking a risk on someone new is what you needed for that bliss! Happy for you happy my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s